Confusions of India - t and th

So whats the whole confusion with the t and th you ask?
Take a name for instance : Ajit, Ajith
People from the north of India are always wondering why the southies are spelling the name with an extra h in the end. And the people from the south wonder why the northies cut the word short of a sound.

Most people who have done some linguistic studies or know both languages will know the answer to this one straight.. Or if you don't give a shit at all, you can probably read some other stuff here.

The problem is that Hindi has more sounds that what can be supported by the English script.
The 4 letters , , , are mapped to only two English equivalents namely - t and th.
Now if you have passed basic arithmetic, you'll deduce that 4 is not mappable with 2.
On the other hand, some south Indian scripts (not Bombay you twit, Dravidian script) for instance Tamil, has only the two sounds and . Yes there is no equivalent sound for or in the script.
(Why? because those two sounds are not required to be made while solving the Schrodinger equation.)

So in Tamil it becomes simple - t stands for and th stands for .
where t and th are pronounced exactly as in English. 
t as in melt    &    th as in wealth

Coming back to Ajit and Ajith. 
If spelt Ajit and were to be read out using the standard English sounds would turn out to be अजिट.
Just like Submit would be read out as सबमिट 
Only if it were spelt Ajith, will it be correctly pronounced - अजित 
Just like wealth would be pronounced - वेल्त

Face it, if you see the board Thane in Bombay .. and if you've never heard of that name .. you're gonna end up reading it as तेन and not ठाणे !!

Ideally Hindi should use the capitals of English to map their sounds completely:
Hence t would be , T would be , th would be and TH would be .
ठाणे would then be spelt as THaNe

That would keep the difficulty in pronunciation and the fights between north and south of India a little less.
If you still didn't get it, then I Bret you're the kind that thinks Himesh Reshammiya is best there is, was and ever will be.

- humble me

Phone Banking

One day, on a phone banking call...

For banking press 1..
For feedback press 2 ..
If you're a True Value member press 3 ..
If you're a jackass press 4 ..
If you're a gamer press start
If you're deaf press your hearing aid.
If you want to talk to a brontosaurus, talk to your wife..
If you want me to repeat the whole thing .. go to hell.

*click 1*

For feedback press 2 ..
For True Value press 3 ..
For Slash Combo press - Δ Ο Ο Δ
For Fatality press Forward Down Back Back High Kick(sweep distance)
For banking press 1 (yes again)
For credit card press 5 ..
To go up press 8 ..
To go out use your main door ..

*click 1*

For phone banking press 1
To understand which level of sub-menu you are in and how to navigate .. watch Inception.
If you want to talk to our customer service executive .. press 9

*click 9*

Please wait while we transfer your call ..

All our officers (which is a grand total of ONE) are busy (taking a dump).
Your call is important to us (as important as Dozer's role in the matrix.. who's Dozer? .. our point exactly)
You are the ___ person in the queue (if we tell you the number, what do YOU plan on doing hanging on the call? please keep guessing whats in the ___ ).

Finally ..

Phone Banker: Hello sir, I name Nikita, I real name Kuppamma Kachdawali from the unheard village of Kkukkammastnalu ..
I 3rd standard fail. I given job in bank for phone talker, toilet cleaner, washer and cow milker.. I given one lollipop for one year salary. My bank fire all real bankers .. may be they no know how cows the milk.. I am not supposed to tell you text in green .. but I also color the blind.
How may i service you sir?

Customer: Umm.. can I know my account balance?

Nikita: Sir one nimit sir .. putting the hold on you sir .. Cow is udder big .. milking time .. Again don't mind the words in blue.. 

Nikita: Sir for confirmation .. 
what the name sir...? date of birth..? mother's name..? 
your neighbor's cheating wife's lesbian partner's favorite milk brand..?
how many balls you have sir..? 
how many time in a day you play with them sir ..? which sport do you play with them sir..? 
account number sir..?
what is f(2,3) if f(x,y) = [Pamela(x) - Kartina(y)]... 
your bank balance sir .. ? ..

Customer: Huh? But that's what I need you to tell me!

Nikita: Sorry sir.. according to our policy we must having this information for verification sir .. 

Customer: What sense does that make??

Nikita: Thank you sir, is anything there else I help can you with?

Customer: But.. but.. you didn't help me with my first query...

Nikita: Thank you for calling sir .. 

Please feel free to cry yourself to sleep. Also try mailing us with any outstanding query (note: the query really needs to be outstanding, we don't have the time for un-interesting ones). We will get back to you in 72 working days. (Please note Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays are considered as nights for us)

*click* *tooot*
*tooot* *tooot* ...

Hum Apke Hain Pomeranian!


Many concerned Indian patriots had taken it to their film makers that India doesn't produce any good Adult Films. Where is our country going? No one seems to care! Every other country is producing good quality stuff and Indians are left with nothing more than look-alikes of Cousin Itt & Jabba The Hutt making out to a camera in bad light. We must show the world that not only are we good at making babies using 62,834 positions (and yet keeping the topic taboo) but we can also make films about them and give it the family movie genre.

Film makers saw the point at once! They decided to take up new projects and have shortlisted the following titles:

- Sore Lay (hardcore)
- Hum Aapke Hai Porn (informative documentary on making adult films, feat. hit single dicktana)
- Sub Kuch Hota Hai (inter-racial, feat. hit single "ladki badi horney hai" )
- R.G.Verma Ki Aag (gay)
- Oh Shanti... Ooh! (amature couple, feat. hit track "bukkake disco")
- Booby (calendar girls)
- Lage Raho Munni-bhabhi (marathon)
- Dildo Paagal Hai (lesbian)
- Dilwale's Dulhaniya Laid (bride fetish)
- Maine Kiya! (first time)
- Ram's Biwi Ganga.. Meri (cheating spouse)
- Saare Zameen Par (group orgy)
- Jab Jab Phool Khile (amature teens)
- Anmol body (calendar girls) 
- Haathi Mera Saathi (beastiality)
- Kabhi Sri-Sri Kabhi Fun (taboo)
- Rand De Basanti (informative documentary on "how to bargain with a pimp")
- Kaho Naa Tyre Hai (fat fetish)
- Kabhi Hole-Without Na Karna (informative documentary on "how to end your celibate life")
- Kal Whore Na Ho (informative documentary on "how to lead a celibate life") 
- Maare Tu Ya Maare Na (bondage)
- No Entry (softcore)

Indians have yet again shown their unity in diversity.

- humble me

Gandalf vs Dumbledore

Everyone's curious about what happens when Gandalf faces Dumbledore in combat.

So here it is.. 

- humble me

Love Triangles of Bollywood

Bollywood has had love triangles forever. We have seen many standard one girl - two boys. And of the two boys, the not loved one either gets a new heroine in the end or ... to keep matters simple, just dies in the end and every one else lives happily ever after. Here is a look at some of the more interesting love triangles that Bollywood has offered.

Kal Ho Na Ho

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai



Hum Aapke Hain Koun




-Humble Me

Tomato Sauce!!

Recently I had been to a restaurant in Mumbai  and had ordered for roasted Paapad, Roti and some side dish. Now I ask the waiter for some sauce for the Paapad.. what I had meant was this..

And instead, what I got served was this.. (Pyaas)

It took me 5 minutes to explain to him what I had actually wanted.. And when I finally did get through to him.. He was like.. "Baiyaa..  woh toh ketup hai.. apko toh kuch bhi nahi patha hai.. kahan se hai aap?? " and I replied back "Yeah, I am not from this place. I actually come from a place which is located 35 deg south 48.5 deg west with an approx distance of 3821.985 miles from the planet Uranus"

- Bumble Bee

What happened during the making of Rockstar.

Director: Imtiaz Ali
Lead Actors : Ranbir Kapoor, Nargis Fakhri

So here is what happened behind the scenes.
The cast and crew were all set and started shooting the movie… it was all going well ..
They shot the scenes in the same order as it was to be in the movie.

Then somewhere near the mid point of the movie, this happened:
Director: ok team, so far so good! just keep going... I need to take a wiz... will be right back.
Team: okay cool, no prob!

So the director went to relieve himself... and in a brilliant effort to aim and pee on a fly in the bathroom, slipped, tripped and broke his fall on the porcelain wash basin.. He lay there for a while... a few months perhaps...

Back at the shooting...

Team: we’ve been going at it with the same dialogues for a while now, what do we do?
Team: doesn’t look like the director’s going to be back, is anyone planning to check on him?
Team: no? ok…
Team: hey look! … we’ve still got a bunch of unused tracks for this movie!!
Team: uhh.. cool! lets just make Ranbir mime the rest of the tracks, he’s become quite a talented mime guitarist by now.. lets give him that Orianthi’s solo piece to mime..
Ranbir: rocking!
Nargis: I’m gonna be sick!
Team: Awesome! alright then, she gets to be sick then... Makeup artists… Get Out!

... and the rest of the movie was completed.

This is information is not very accurate but it’s more or less what you will observe in the movie.

-humble me

X-Men that kids actually are

In general, most kids can be categorized as one of the various xmen.
For instance, the mostly quiet and intelligent but randomly displaying savage traits are like Beast. Or the ones that keep running into walls are Shadow Cats..

Here's a list of X-Men that kids actually are:

(oh for new parents there is also advice on how to deal with them)

Toad - dirt, diary, duck, dodo or a dinosaur.. All of it goes straight into this kid's mouth. If you look away, your mini golf course will be swallowed whole.
Neutralizer: try the Hannibal mask

Juggernaut - Its amazing how some kids get really large and really quick. Its like they're connected to a pressurized balloon pump! These kids also have the capability to not realize that they're .. well not small. You can catch them bulldozing through various toys, tables, bookshelves and other kids just because they saw the poster of a burger or a live cow..
Neutralizer: try pricking with a pin.. the kid might explode .. But hey, problem solved no?

Wolverine - some kids are just plain hairy.. boy or girl, doesn't matter. No man should be that hairy, let alone kid for that matter. The amount this kid would have made the mother puke during pregnancy, I'm surprised the mothers don't give birth by puking.
Neutralizer: swallow your trimmer during pregnancy.

Rogue - these kids have a simple motto.. "What is mine is of no concern.. the real importance of existence is to snatch everything from every other kid in the world"..
Neutralizer: straitjacket!

Pyro - some kids can really, really get pissed... in public, mothers shall get bitch-slapped and fathers shall get round-house-kicked (if viewers are lucky, a free tiger-upper-cut to the dad's nuts). And the famous "Police will get you" technique does not scare them one bit. They're far too bad ass for that and will
tiger-upper-cut the cop if needed.
Neutralizer: keep frozen at all times, check with Dr.Freeze for advice on the subject matter.

Syren - at all times, these kids have only one tone and one look.. The look says.. "if you breathe, I'm gonna cry all over your sorry ass."
The tone has the decibel levels of a supernova (exploding star).
Special public performances happen at locations like Church, Cinema, Theatre,etc.
Neutralizer: shove a plunger into kid's mouth and store in vacuum.

Storm - these kids are like magic! They can enter a perfectly well arranged room and in an instant, Turn the room inside out.. Every single object gets displaced and all at once. You could be watching TV and realize the show is running upside down, you think the kid attacked the TV, but reality is that ur sitting on ur head.
Neutralizer: chloroform.

Mastermind - these are the most uncanny of the lot. They have a very firm hold on neuron-network of their parents minds. Hence only THEY think their kid is the most adorable thing on this otherwise petty planet.. In reality, even the pet dog what's to gnaw on the kid..
Neutralizer: release the pet dog.

Dark Phoenix - the destroyer of life, universe and everything! These kids make Sauron look like a Teletubby. They have characteristics of all of the above kids, all at once! Anything and everything in their paths will be
annihilated - walls, floors, electronics, automobiles, neighbors, friends, families, pets, bank balance, space-time, everything!  
Neutralizer - simple, make a neat deep slit on each of your wrists and sit back and relax..

Things I have done to snoring train passengers, Thing #16

Are you one of those people who struggle to sleep because the hell-racket emanating from a fellow passenger’s nostrils?

Tired of popping pill after pill just to surpass all the snorting and get some sleep?

 Fear Not!

Try my fully tested and certified technique number #16

Its 3-step easy set up will get you done and sleeping in no time:

What you’ll need: a bed-sheet (A/C compartments anyways give you two)

1) Fold bed-sheet to the size of about 2 feet X 1 foot
2) Locate snorer whose nasal uproar is plaguing your sleep
3) Place the bed-sheet on the snorer’s face. Don’t have to be extra careful as a snoring whore is always in deep sleep.

And that’s it, you’re done!

Now the principle behind this is that the air available is a lot lesser and this causes the breathing to reduce and in turn, the snoring to stop. Sometimes the snorer might get woken up and turn to his side or go into coma due to insufficient oxygen. Either ways, you can get back to sleeping!

Happy Travelling!

- guest from Bangalore, India

Shhh! Police will come!

In countries outside india when a cop passes by.. your immediate reaction is usually not laughter.. It’s actually sometimes alertness just to make sure you’re not doing some shit out of place. Ever wonder why in India that’s never the case?

Simple, Indians use only one strategy to control their kids.. “if you misbehave, I’ll hand you over to the police!”.. “if u don’t ______ (eat, sleep, wake up, study, take a bath, have sex, drink milk, dance, sing, blah..) Police with come catch you!”

So in every kid’s head, a cop has the initial image of this warrior from the dark.. bearing the keys to the netherrealm.. Where he will take you once handed over. U will then be made to serve the overlords, polishing and filing their pet rhinoceros’ toe nails for all eternity, while the police-man beats you over and over with his primary weapon, the blades of exile!!

But then, you eventually figure out that a policeman is only really an oversized person in undersized clothes.. As illustrated below..

No weapons other than the force of gravity. Oh look, its Vasco da Gama’s gun right there..

So remember, when expectations are set so high in a kid’s early life, it’s surely going to result in just mere laughter when grown up.

Oh! For those who feel that the lack of respect or fear for cops is actually due to their involvement in corruption, or some other social factor, please feel free to PISS OFF! Go write your own blog or something!

humble me

Fruit Jam!!

Fruit Jam sold in the state of "Orissa" - 

- Bumble Bee

Things I have done to snoring train passengers, Thing #348

So the other night on a night train from Bangalore to Chennai.. I board in, find my place.. A nice side upper berth..I’m tired, I need to sleep, I’m hoping to not run into any disturbances..

And then it happens.. the ‘it’ being a ‘he’ in this case (well sort of). Tall , dark (black for all practical purposes), fat, living lard of a man gets on board.. This gentleman in his lungi, finally after struggling with the bed-sheets for a while, settles into his middle berth.. much like a blob of jelly would into a bowl.

I see from a distance.. the wall thickness of his nostrils .. 4cm at least .. (no, I didn't measure it with a vernier callipers bitch.. Just read on!)
Its the kind of nostril walls that can withstand the air intensities inside a wind tunnel..
Its the kind of nostril walls that can simultaneously produce the highs of a soprano sax and the baritone of a tuba..

An omega class snorer was gracing the compartment with his nose that night.. 

This following diagram will help in getting a perspective of the scene that night in the compartment.

Snoring for most people is something which is annoying .. but when tired they can forget and forgive .. and go to sleep.. So usually in train journeys many sleep, some struggle and the remaining snore. Though I was worried that the potential middle berth traveller might set hell loose with his nasal orchestra, I was tired.. so I actually did fall asleep.. phew!

After sometime, suddenly I'm awake.. I’m not sure if it is morning .. it’s still dark .. looking at the time, its 2am .. my eyes are watering.. and I’m wondering “why the f@#k am I up?” ... I never really wake up in the midst of REM for no reason unless ..... !! and then my brain starts to focus on the signals my ears have been transmitting for a while now.. 

Principle of Gear Wheels

In the above figure, when gear wheel A rotates in the clockwise direction, it causes the gear wheel B to rotate in the anti-clockwise direction. Now let’s for the moment assume that these gear wheels are made of Adamantium. Let’s also say these gears are rotating just about as fast as a regular pedestal fan on high. Now, Wolverine (who happens to pass by the setup), just for the f@#k of it, decides to shove his claws in between the gears.... 

That’s the noise my ears were registering, the noise which woke me up at 2am! It was that Fat. Black. Ugly. Snoring Ba$tard. indeed... My head is ringing and there is NO way I could get back to the sleeping part of my journey. I try a few basic tactics to get the f@#ker to flip to his side.. kick his foot, put a spare bed sheet on his face (Ref: Thing 16). NOTHING works.. and the brain drilling snoring Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Ideally, I would liked to have dropped an anvil on his nose.. but I wasn’t around any..

So I sit awake thinking about the situation. “I don’t get to sleep because of a fat f$@k who is in DEEP sleep? in a posture which one would get into to shoot babies out? If I ain’t sleeping, you ain't sleeping either bitch!”.  I then notice a bottle of water in the sleeve of his berth. Its full. I quickly pick it up, open it, place it in between his legs (did I mention his posture?), run back up to my side upper berth, get under the blanket and just wait for inertia to do rest of the trick!
Figure for reference below:

<tadak> <tadak> .. and the bottle sways ..
<tadak> <tadak> <tadak>.. and the bottle sways some more ..
<tadak> <tadak> <tadak> <tadak>.. and the bottle still doesn’t fall over..

Just then the most unexpected thing happens, the snoring fat man closes in both his legs, his knees clamp the top of the bottle.. and I'm thinking “SHIT! Game over.. he’ll notice the bottle and just put it back and I have to work ALL the way from top again!”. 
But NO, he knee-clamps the bottle and just turns about to his side, there by taking the bottle to a sweet horizontal position. I realized I hadn’t taken off my glasses and so to avoid suspicion I flipped quickly to face away.

I can’t see what’s going on.. But, 
<glub> <baglub> <baglub> <glub> <glub> <glub> <glub> <glub><glub> <glub>
I hear the sound of water..
<suuhfreeesh> < suuhfrusssh >  <shuffle> <shuffle>
Then bit of a damp struggle inbetween the sheets.
Then a lot more struggle..
<shuffle> <shuffle><shuffle> <rustle><bustle>
<thump> <thump>!!
He’s gotten off his berth. He’s standing, awake, wondering..
<flisch> <flisch> <flllloosch> <flllloosch>
Sounds like he’s clearing off all the water from his berth with his hands.
Then a moment of silence again.. he’s probably wondering “did I just wet my bed?”, “but I stopped doing that many months ago!”, “I took up snoring loudly on trains instead” ... 
<flllloosch> <flllloosch><flllliissshh><fllllisshhh>
And I hear him thumping away to leave the compartment.. may to dry up.. may be change.. may be jump off the train on to a stationary pole.. It didn’t matter.. the gears had stopped spinning, wolverine had taken his claws out.. I slept!.. next thing I knew it was morning.. and a coolie was yelling ‘Madras’ in my ear.. and there was no sign of fat black ba$tard..
So folks, feel free to try this out if your night’s sleep is ever ruined.

- Guest from Bangalore


Beard Style

Once you have tried and tested all the possible hairstyles in the world and finally run out of hair (on your face)…
You can then grow a beard and then try out all of the various beard-styles.
Now here is a really interesting flip-symmetric style.

1)      You need to have tried and tested all the possible hairstyles in the world and finally run out of hair.
2)      Grow a beard.

Now work towards growing the beard only under the chin, and keep the cheeks relatively clean.
Get some length going and guide the beard forward as shown in Figure 1:

 Figure 1

Now, what makes this interesting is that if you flip the head upside down, that looks like a face too.
Here, have a look.

-Humble Me

The ‘Marvel’ of Indian classical music

- Humble Me
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