The Abomination

The following situation is both applicable to dance classes or aerobics sessions.

Many of us have been to the gym, taken up a membership .. felt good about our decision to lead a healthy life. And then the next day overslept .. lost the inertia for gymming all together and ended up feeling guilty and acquired a drinking habit as a result.

If one of such attempts involved an aerobics class or a dance class (when I say dance class, I mean group choreography, not Salsa/Jive) .. you must have encountered the Abomination.

Its easy to spot the Abomination, it will be a large person. (Of course if you're in an aerobics class that has all fit hot bodies bouncing it.. you're probably on the sets of a porn flick and you're not needed .. so take the exit)

What is an Abomination you ask?
An Abomination is that large person in the aerobics/dance class who is gifted with the following amazing skills:

 1) The gift of "all space was created for me to occupy". If there is a nice staggered formation in the session, the Abomination will most definitely choose to stand at a spot which would cause so much chaos, no butterflies would ever flap their wings. The position of choice would also eclipse the instructor from the remaining people in the class/world.

2) The gift of "all weight must be lost today". If there is a step that involves moving one foot to the right and one to the left, the Abomination will move to the right, wreck through the walls of the dance studio, plough through houses and schools on the right and then through the slums, offices and restaurants on the left. To get a sense of the variation in movement between the Abomination and the other people in class check below:

3) The gift of "all the toes' a stage". If you're fat and have not seen your toes for ages, you will be rudely reminded that your toes do exist and that they have blood vessels and nerve endings too! The Abomination will make sure to systematically step on everyone's toe during each cycle of a step. So if you think you're hearing people eating chips as they dance, you're mostly wrong and will soon need a doctor.

4) The gift of "beat me if you can". Its well known that the mass of a body causes gravitational pull on smaller masses around, and that the movement of the larger mass causes the smaller mass to follow. Though this is the science regarding matter, scientists have been able to confirm that this is not the case when it comes to rhythm. The rhythm of a music piece will not really give a f@$k about anyone and will continue to hold its pace. The Abomination is always completely unaware of this piece of scientific info. Expecting to see rhythm sense in an Abomination is like expecting to see a male t-rex's sex organ on a female sea-horse. The Abomination will always move flawlessly mis-coordinated with the beat that's playing. . Anyone else who gets a glimpse of this can encounter a catastrophic death. This is usually because the left half of the observer's brain will disagree with the right and both halves will then decide to enter the food stream and eventually be excreted. You'll be left embarrassed and dead at the same time.

Remember, the Abomination will combine and use all these skills at once. So hopefully you can use this info to locate the Abominations in your aerobics/dance classes before its too late for you.

- humble me.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...