Phone Banking

One day, on a phone banking call...


Automated:
For banking press 1..
For feedback press 2 ..
If you're a True Value member press 3 ..
If you're a jackass press 4 ..
If you're a gamer press start
If you're deaf press your hearing aid.
If you want to talk to a brontosaurus, talk to your wife..
If you want me to repeat the whole thing .. go to hell.




*click 1*



For feedback press 2 ..
For True Value press 3 ..
For Slash Combo press - Δ Ο Ο Δ
For Fatality press Forward Down Back Back High Kick(sweep distance)
For banking press 1 (yes again)
For credit card press 5 ..
To go up press 8 ..
To go out use your main door ..





*click 1*




For phone banking press 1
To understand which level of sub-menu you are in and how to navigate .. watch Inception.
If you want to talk to our customer service executive .. press 9

*click 9*



Please wait while we transfer your call ..

All our officers (which is a grand total of ONE) are busy (taking a dump).
Your call is important to us (as important as Dozer's role in the matrix.. who's Dozer? .. our point exactly)
You are the ___ person in the queue (if we tell you the number, what do YOU plan on doing hanging on the call? please keep guessing whats in the ___ ).

Finally ..

Phone Banker: Hello sir, I name Nikita, I real name Kuppamma Kachdawali from the unheard village of Kkukkammastnalu ..
I 3rd standard fail. I given job in bank for phone talker, toilet cleaner, washer and cow milker.. I given one lollipop for one year salary. My bank fire all real bankers .. may be they no know how cows the milk.. I am not supposed to tell you text in green .. but I also color the blind.
How may i service you sir?

Customer: Umm.. can I know my account balance?

Nikita: Sir one nimit sir .. putting the hold on you sir .. Cow is udder big .. milking time .. Again don't mind the words in blue.. 

Nikita: Sir for confirmation .. 
what the name sir...? date of birth..? mother's name..? 
your neighbor's cheating wife's lesbian partner's favorite milk brand..?
how many balls you have sir..? 
how many time in a day you play with them sir ..? which sport do you play with them sir..? 
account number sir..?
what is f(2,3) if f(x,y) = [Pamela(x) - Kartina(y)]... 
your bank balance sir .. ? ..

Customer: Huh? But that's what I need you to tell me!

Nikita: Sorry sir.. according to our policy we must having this information for verification sir .. 

Customer: What sense does that make??

Nikita: Thank you sir, is anything there else I help can you with?

Customer: But.. but.. you didn't help me with my first query...

Nikita: Thank you for calling sir .. 

Automated:
Please feel free to cry yourself to sleep. Also try mailing us with any outstanding query (note: the query really needs to be outstanding, we don't have the time for un-interesting ones). We will get back to you in 72 working days. (Please note Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays are considered as nights for us)

*click* *tooot*
*tooot* *tooot* ...

5 comments:

  1. This is so true, i've been in very similar scenarios!

    ReplyDelete
  2. As the phone banker or the customer? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha Ha .. Phone Banker! .. Actually I am Kuppamma Kachdawali!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha, please can you send us all of your "recordings for training purpose"?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ha Ha.. sure :)

    ReplyDelete

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