Problem with Facebook

The primary issue with Facebook is that you can only express a positive emotion.
There are tonnes of ass-wipes online who deserve to be demotivated .. no?

Take the below wall post:

Its the current day of the week you bi*ch f*ck! What were you trying to communicate? That you have time travelled to another day of the week and its Monday for you and somehow still Thursday for the rest of us?
A status update like this doesn't deserve a comment.
The only frikkin' one-click response option there is .. is that fateful Like !

Now imagine if there were the following new response option:

This new option would change everything!
"Go F*ck yourself", "F*ck Off", "F*cking idiot", it can be whatever you would like it to be.
This is how most people would like to respond to above insightful status.

Other brilliant status examples that deserve this reply :

And when enough people click on this response, there needs to be a broadcast sent about that status to everyone on Facebook.

Another neat reply option would be :

This one would read : "Like some fries with that?"

This could come in handy for status updates like :

This one can come in handy too :

Its a 1UP symbol, simply meaning - "get a frikkin' life!"

Good with stuff like :

These were a few basic reply options.
Now we should look into some more technologically advanced ones.

E-Zap, for instance:

What if the status update is so nerve wrecking that you feel the need to pick up that baseball bat, wind it with barbed wire... and pay that person a visit? 
Just click on E-Zap!

Clicking on E-zap will send a short electric pulse to the metallic parts of the person's laptop.
As and when people click on E-Zap, the electric charge on the persons laptop would build up. It's obvious that the person has no clue that this is happening. Once enough charge builds up there will be an automatic ZAP to the person on his or her next login to Facebook. (the facebook login ensures that the right person gets the zap. If two people share passwords, then its only right that the two of them should share the zap)

Take the following update for instance:

Given the number of E-Zaps this comment is going to get, this person could end up in to coma due to over E-Zapping.

Other E-Zappable status messages:

With these new response options, the Like button will slowly be phased out.

Traffic Exam In India

When there is a traffic police (instead of a signal) directing the flow of traffic, you must :
a) Drive past him
b) Drive over him
c) Get down and swing a baseball bat at him for screwing up the traffic 
d) Tie him to the signal post and turn the signal back on

What does the no entry sign mean?
a) Get off your bike and start pushing it till the coast is clear
b) Keep driving the car slowly making sure there is no cop.
c) Keep some 100 bucks in your wallet and move the rest out.
d) Its just colorful decoration

What is the first thing you should do when your vehicle breaks down and can not move?
a) Scream f*ck multiple times back to back 
b) You're pissed off so leave it right there and go for tea, make sure you lock the doors
c) Get down at once, pop the bonnet and stare at the engine hoping telekinesis will kick in.
d) Kick the car

The left rear view mirror is :
a) to be kept at home / not purchased
b) kept closed
c) to be used to hit annoying pedestrians
d) positioned so that the passenger can fix her lipstick

Overtaking from the left :
a) is your birth right
b) is done so that you have a chance to hit a few pedestrians
c) is so that you can get on to the platform
d) is done when the vehicle in front is not small enough to drive over

When should you flash your headlights?
a) if you da man!
b) when you are honking
c) if you are a taxi driver
d) all the fu*king time

When should you dip your headlights?
a) f*ck off!

When are u allowed to drive over people sleeping on the side of the road?
a) If you were watching an intense scene on the in-car entertainment while driving
b) If you want a real life experience of GTA
c) If you are Salman Khan
d) If you are meditating while driving

When a cyclist turns his head to look behind, most likely :
a) he's going to die
b) going to scratch his butt
c) he's going to die
d) he's going to fart loudly

What is the gap a motorist should keep when passing pedestrians facing away from the traffic and are walking on roads without pavement or pedestrian footpath?
a) 1 micron
b) motorist should stick his leg out to kick any pedestrian thereby creating the distance
c) pedestrians are meant to be hit with side mirrors
d) close enough so they can hear you swear at them

When riding with pillion, the pillion rider should hold :  
a) the driver's helmet
b) a baby
c) two babies
d) driver's hair

What is a lane?
a) A geometric figure formed by a point moving along a fixed direction
b) Weak and ineffectual
c) Local Area NEtwork
d) One who doesn't eat garlic and onion

When you hear an ambulance siren, what should you do?
a) increase the volume of the audio in your car to drown the annoying siren
b) throw a brick at the siren to reduce noise pollution
c) get right behind the ambulance so that your path will get cleared
d) strategically get in front of the ambulance so your path will be clear

The World

Whatta Couple

Here's the video of the bride making her entrance..

Now here is the entrance made by the broom groom ..

This is where one wonders - are they trying to exemplify two ends of the spectrum when it comes to wedding dancing?

Usually when you look at the second video.. you can only barely mutter a "but why... ?"

("Unique" in definition for the groom is - as unique as a Naked mole rat)

RA.One Fact #13

In Andhra Pradesh, it was released with the title :

-humble me

RA.One Fact #71

A few people thought this man on the left was Akon.
The remaining still think this man on the left is Akon.

-humble me

Groom Bloom

I can honestly tell you from the bottom of my heart, that this video will make particles sitting in your intestine fly out through your nose..

I have absolutely no words to describe the expression in the groom's eyes (and the awesome smile to go with it) or the background music :)

- bumble bee

The truth behind RA.One - the video game.

Remember how the game play in the movie was described?
Key features:
- 3 levels
- 2 characters
- 1 bullet
If you thought that game description was a bucket of barf, wait till you get a load of the real deal.

RA.One for the PlayStation:
For those who thought that someone was merely cracking a joke about a game called RA.One on the PlayStation.. wake up and smell the curd-noodles.

The true intention of making this game is clear and simple.
This is an Indian game. What do Indian families want?
They want to make sure that their kids DON'T play video games and just go back to their studies.

This game can bring that magic in to the Indian households. Just simply make sure this is the first game your kid plays and presto! This will be the last one your kid will ever touch.

The bigger plan for this game is to eradicate the very gaming industry from the face of the planet.
How you ask? By Simply sending copies of this game back in time to the early 90s with a note saying : "Best Regards from 2011".
The ones who receive this back in the day would loose faith in the gaming industry by just looking at the cover. The ones that choose to play the game will loose their virginity.

Of course the whole sending back in time thing didn't work out too well because this movie's science doesn't apply to the real world.

Though in the end the game was just marketed as a regular PlayStation game, we should not forget what the game cover initially looked like.

Words that aren't

This is a fun game.

Bellow are a few words/phrases that you think you heard when you were talking to people in English. 
Now, you have to guess what the actual word was:
(Answers are below, but hey.. give it an honest try)

The word/phrase as you heard it:

(clue: SOO-GAR and Spice)
(clue: What is the POUR-POUJ of this file)
3) SHITTIES(T) (you'll be sure you heard the 'T' in the end)
(clue: TCS, Infosys and SHITTIES are big companies)
(clue: Operating systems like IOS and ANNA-ROD)
(clue: Fill in the BLINKS)
(clue: Shirt and FANT)
(clue: Non-Veg and BHEZZ food)
(clue: Are you SEWER about this?)
9) IS-WHO 
(clue: IS-WHO a cheque)
(clue: which IS-COOL is your son studying in?)
(clue: answer the following CUSHIONS)
(clue: RISQUE the hostages) 
13) SAFE
(clue: i like this program - master SAFE Australia)
(clue: SILLY cheese toast)
(clue: She has sharp FUTURES on her face)
16) MAX
(clue: science and MAX exams)
17) RAPE
(clue: RAPE me in your arms   a shawl can be RAPED around) 
(clue: Math EGG-JAM)
(clue: you want some PRIES with that?)

And the answers (if you still need them):

1) Sugar
2) Purpose
3) CTS - short for Cognizant Technology Solutions (CTS should check every propective candidate if he or she gets the company name right first, else it might be bad advertisement)
4) Android
5) Blank
6) Pant
7) Veg (Its like some one threw a grenade in the mouth.. and just as 'Veg' was going to be said .. the grenade went off)
8) Sure
9) Issue
10) School
11) Question
12) Rescue
13) Chef 
14) Chilly 
15) Features 
16) Maths 
17) Wrap 
18) Exam 
19) Fries


There are many kinds of employees. Smart workers, hard workers, non-workers, etc. In every job you will always find a mix of all kinds of workers. 
Although, there is one job... one job alone, where you will always find the employees always doing more than what they are expected to do.
The Indian Mommygration Officers.

Every time you need to leave or return back to India, you will have to go past them.
They are the people assigned (or so they feel) to make you feel like you are an early teenage girl... talking to your dad... when you're leaving or returning home late!

But let's look at the fun activity you have to do, before you get to meet a Mommygration Officer.

First of all, you are made to fill a ridiculous form every time you have to exit or return back to the India.
This form is along the lines of the punishment you get in school - write the same lines over and over and over again, till you feel sorry... Indian kids call this imposition. You can be the citizen of the country or even the father, you may not be Jean Claude Van Damme... but you still must fill the form over and over and over again (ref: Pablo Francisco).

The age of this form is roughly close to the age of our solar system.
The earlier version of the form used to look something like this.

The above form was filled when you needed to go to places greater than 50 meters from your house.
As the years passed, civilization happened. But in general, there was an urge to make sure people remembered how to write their names inside boxes. It was found that travellers were also happy.. so to handle those issues, the form stayed. 

Today (for the past 50 years), the form has a new look and feel.
Take the section below for instance:

This tests your skills as a magician. You have 11 letters to answer the question with. Choose the letters wisely.
Try and refer to Harry Potter for spells that can come in handy.
Try to be loyal and visit only one country other than India.
Don't go to countries with long names like Czechoslovakia or Dominican Republic; but if you must, then please teleport to India.
If you've been on a Europe trip, ask the stewardess to hit you with that flying broom and throw you out of the flight... without the broom. 
In short, you can take the form... roll it up... sit on it... and spin.

Another interesting section is this :

This shows that the root of the country is farming. And regardless of the time that has passed and the industrial revolution in general; they still want to know, 'in writing' from every traveller, when he will start farming.

Once you have filled up the form, you then get the honor to meet the mommygration officer.
Now here's the deal. The officer will actually check if you copied information from your passport on to the form; AND check it against your details on his computer, based on your passport. You will then get asked all kinds of questions:
(if you are leaving India)
 - Where are you going?
 - Why are you going?
 - How long are you going to stay?
 - How are you going?
(of if you're getting back)
 - Where were you?
 - Why were you there?
 - Why are you here?
 - How long are you here?

Note that the answers to all the questions, are those, you took precious moments out of your life to fill in to the form
The country you are visiting asks you fewer questions to issue you a visa BUT... that doesn't matter! The officer must do more work than required because he is the guardian of the gates, the keeper of the key, the chosen one, carrier of the ring, the owner of the elder wand, the wh*re!

Some of them are hardcore workers. They will venture in to your personal life. 
 - Who do you stay with? Do you love her?
 - What is your salary?
 - Which school you went to?
 - How many marks you got in your 9th standard Math exam?
 - How many times a week do you have sex? same person?
 - Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
 - Why are you frothing in your mouth?
 - Why are you on the floor convulsing? Why do you need a metal object?

Your small intestine will itch to step out and choke the bastard.

Tips to avoid being jailed (with extreme satisfaction):
Tips for being able to travel are:
 - do not say "Read the form B*tch!" or "Not your f*cking business!" 
 - do not compare his/her eyesight to his/her dead grandmother's
 - do not bitch-slap the officer; capture a video; slow it down and put it up on youtube
 - do not kick the officer in the nuts (even if available)
 - do not gyrate, do the moonwalk, scream "oow" and say "F*ck you!"

 - do not point out the resemblence of his/her mother to a sl*t
 - do not shove the form down the officer's throat
 - try to gnaw on your arm to keep yourself from doing any of the above

- humble me

Hardcore Non-Vegetarian

The case with many Indian "hardcore" non-vegetarian.

It's baffling as to why non-vegetarians in India feel so proud to announce that they are in fact, non-vegetarians. Not like you have a daily orgy with 10 playboy bunnies now, is it? 
You like meat, eat it.

Take a regular video gamer for instance. Walk up to the dork and ask him:
"Dude, do you play video games?"
He'll say... "Yeah, I do.. I have an XBox, and you?".

Now walk up to the non-vegetarian, ask him:
"Dude, are you a non-vegetarian or ..?"
He'll say .. "No way.. I'm a hardcore  non-vegetarian man!!"

This is what you can expect from the typical hardcore non-vegetarian.

Then shut the f*ck up!

You there, the guy with the IPhone 4S, claiming to be a hardcore gamer.
You're a similar bitch in a different package.

- humble me
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...