Problem with Facebook

The primary issue with Facebook is that you can only express a positive emotion.
There are tonnes of ass-wipes online who deserve to be demotivated .. no?

Take the below wall post:

Its the current day of the week you bi*ch f*ck! What were you trying to communicate? That you have time travelled to another day of the week and its Monday for you and somehow still Thursday for the rest of us?
A status update like this doesn't deserve a comment.
The only frikkin' one-click response option there is .. is that fateful Like !

Now imagine if there were the following new response option:

This new option would change everything!
"Go F*ck yourself", "F*ck Off", "F*cking idiot", it can be whatever you would like it to be.
This is how most people would like to respond to above insightful status.

Other brilliant status examples that deserve this reply :

And when enough people click on this response, there needs to be a broadcast sent about that status to everyone on Facebook.

Another neat reply option would be :

This one would read : "Like some fries with that?"

This could come in handy for status updates like :

This one can come in handy too :

Its a 1UP symbol, simply meaning - "get a frikkin' life!"

Good with stuff like :

These were a few basic reply options.
Now we should look into some more technologically advanced ones.

E-Zap, for instance:

What if the status update is so nerve wrecking that you feel the need to pick up that baseball bat, wind it with barbed wire... and pay that person a visit? 
Just click on E-Zap!

Clicking on E-zap will send a short electric pulse to the metallic parts of the person's laptop.
As and when people click on E-Zap, the electric charge on the persons laptop would build up. It's obvious that the person has no clue that this is happening. Once enough charge builds up there will be an automatic ZAP to the person on his or her next login to Facebook. (the facebook login ensures that the right person gets the zap. If two people share passwords, then its only right that the two of them should share the zap)

Take the following update for instance:

Given the number of E-Zaps this comment is going to get, this person could end up in to coma due to over E-Zapping.

Other E-Zappable status messages:

With these new response options, the Like button will slowly be phased out.

Inception Explained
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I notice many folks are still confused with Inception and about what those kicks in the movie were and how they worked.

The confusion stems from the fact that when you count the number of kicks for each person and number of dream levels, there seems to be one extra kick. 
Apart from this, there is even the basic confusion of how many levels of dreams there are.

So here’s the deal...

For any dream sequence there is always the following:
Dreamer – whose dream it is
The subject – the one from which information is to be extracted, this person’s consciousness fills the dream.
The architect – the person who designs the levels of dreams.

The names and characters:
Cobb - The main man who steals secrets from minds of the subjects.
Arthur - Cobb's right hand man, helps find information about subjects and designing dreams.
Ariadne - The young girl who is the architect for the multi-level dreams.
Eames - The impersonator in the multi-level dream.
Yusuf - The chemist who creates the compounds to sedate the dreamers.
Fischer - The subject on who's mind inception is to be performed.
Saito - The person who needs the inception to be performed on Fischer.
Mal - Cobb's dead wife, she manifests in the many dreams.

The movie has two types of dreams:
1)      The basic dream-within-a-dream, which Cobb uses to extract information from the subject’s mind. An example of this is the opening dream sequence of the movie, where Cobb’s team is trying to extract information from Saito’s head (and they fail).

2)      The more elaborate multi-level dream where Cobb’s team is trying to perform inception on Fischer. For this multi-level dream you need to be under a powerful sedative.

A good thing to know at this point is that as you go into inner levels of the dream, time will stretch. What is 10hrs in the real world would become 1 week in first level of dream and 6 months in the second level and so on.

A kick is a sudden jolt that can wake the dreamer up by one level. Usually the kick is a fall. 

Here is the crucial difference in the kick.
In a basic dream a simple single kick is enough to wake the dreamer up by one level of dream.
E.g.: Cobb is dunked into the bathtub which wakes him up by one level – this is a kick given to the sleeping body. 
A kick can also be given to the dreaming self, e.g. Arthur is shot in the head by Cobb and Arthur wakes up by one level.

Simple enough?

Now however, in a multi-level dream you are under a powerful sedative, so it’s not that simple. This requires a synchronized kick. A pair of kicks, one kick to the sleeping body and one kick to the dreaming self.


A simple real world example to illustrate:
Consider this.. you are asleep on a bed and dreaming… now, if some one pushed your sleeping body off the bed, that would be your kick and would pull you out of your dream. So this situation is comparable to a basic dream where a kick is given to the sleeping body.

Now let’s consider the case where you are unconscious because you have been administered anaesthesia... and you are dreaming. Just pushing you off the bed would not be enough to wake you up (if it did, it wouldn’t make a pretty scene in most operation theatres). So how then can you wake up?
One way is the effect of the anaesthesia wears off (This is equivalent to the timer running out on the dream machine in the movie).
The other way that the movie theorizes is - synchronizing a pair of kicks. If there was a way you could fall in your dream (kick to the dreaming self) and at the same time be pushed off the bed (kick to the sleeping body)… Bingo! You can wake up! Important thing to note here is that the anaesthesia administered to you should leave your oratory functions working so you can feel falling.

How do you know from the movie that the pair of kicks need to be synchronized?
Remember the part when they are in the snow field, they talk about "missing the kick" ?
The kick they miss is - the van smashing against the edge of the bridge. The kick they actually catch is the van hitting the water. The falling van is unplanned for and causes the gravity problem in the Hotel Lobby. As a result of this Arthur has to improvise a plan to make the lift fall.

So that’s why it’s so complicated. Cobb’s team in the movie needs to synchronize a pair of kicks for every level of the dream and for every person. They achieve the synchronizing by playing music in the ears of the dreamer. The music gives the cue to the team in the level below to perform a kick to synchronize with the level above. 
The synchronized kicks are not required because of the multiple levels of dreams, it’s simply because the sedative is strong.

Now the next catch is death. What happens if you die a the dream? Again this differs based on the type of the dream sequence.  
If you die a basic dream, it simply works as a kick (to the dreaming self) and you wake up by one level (eg: Arthur is shot in the head).
However, if you die in a multi-level dream (strong sedative), you end up in Limbo.

Limbo is a subconscious state where the mind might fail to tell that it’s a dream and can be lost there forever.
Now what happens if you die in Limbo? If death happens in limbo then you wake up all the way into reality bypassing all the levels of dreams. 
Limbo is where Cobb and Mal have once been lost for almost a lifetime (50 years). The buildings you see there are what the two of them had built. Limbo is not one person's dream in particular. Its the common place that you end up in if you die in a heavily sedated dream.

Again there are two ways to get into Limbo. One way - If the architecture of the multi level dream consists of 3 levels and if you try to go one level deeper that what was designed, you can reach limbo. In this case you will still remember how you got to Limbo and what you were doing before that (eg: when Cobb and Ariadne go from the hospital level further down to get Fischer). Other way - If you die in a heavily sedated, multi-level dream you will be thrown into limbo but in this case you will not remember clearly how you got there and what you were doing before that (eg: when Saito dies and reaches limbo, he ends up living there for many years). 
You cannot reach limbo in a basic dream.

So a quick table of difference is as follows:
Dream Type
Basic dream within a dream
Elaborate multi-level dream
Stability of Dream
Fairly stable, requires a light sedative
Unstable and hence requires a strong sedative
Cannot perform inception
Inception can be performed, but only in deeper levels of the dream
Simple single kick.
Synchronized kicks. One from the level of the dream and the other from one level up timed using music.
Death in dream
Works as simple kick, brings you one level up in the dream.
You end up in Limbo where you might get trapped forever.
Death in limbo
Not applicable, in a basic dream you don’t ever end up in limbo.
Wakes you up all the way back in to reality.

Now getting to the whole point of the movie. This is a method suggested by Cobb in the movie. He says that at every level of dream there is a safe house, which gets populated with the inner most thoughts and secrets of the subject. Cobb’s team usually extracts secrets from the subjects mind from the safe. Cobb also suggests that if you insert an idea into this safe at the 3rd level in the dream or below, the subject will actually wake up believing the idea is his or hers (of course the idea should be in line with the life of the subject, inception can’t be as random as making the subject believe he’s Superman).

When Cobb and Mal end up in limbo, Cobb eventually realizes that they are not in reality. But Mal refuses to believe that. So Cobb locates Mal’s safe and leaves a perpetually spinning top there (perpetually spinning top is Mal's totem that indicates that Mal is in a dream). So in the limbo, Mal gets convinced that she is in a dream and decides to die with Cobb on the rail tracks and they both wake up in their room(reality). What Cobb does unknowingly is, the idea he incepts in Mal’s mind (safe), is now with her even after she has woken up. So Mal continues to think the real world is a dream and decides to die so she can wake up. This is how Cobb realizes that inception is possible.

Here's the dream levels in an image:

Here's the pair of kicks for each person in an image:

I believe that may have cleared some things up.

Traffic Exam In India

When there is a traffic police (instead of a signal) directing the flow of traffic, you must :
a) Drive past him
b) Drive over him
c) Get down and swing a baseball bat at him for screwing up the traffic 
d) Tie him to the signal post and turn the signal back on

What does the no entry sign mean?
a) Get off your bike and start pushing it till the coast is clear
b) Keep driving the car slowly making sure there is no cop.
c) Keep some 100 bucks in your wallet and move the rest out.
d) Its just colorful decoration

What is the first thing you should do when your vehicle breaks down and can not move?
a) Scream f*ck multiple times back to back 
b) You're pissed off so leave it right there and go for tea, make sure you lock the doors
c) Get down at once, pop the bonnet and stare at the engine hoping telekinesis will kick in.
d) Kick the car

The left rear view mirror is :
a) to be kept at home / not purchased
b) kept closed
c) to be used to hit annoying pedestrians
d) positioned so that the passenger can fix her lipstick

Overtaking from the left :
a) is your birth right
b) is done so that you have a chance to hit a few pedestrians
c) is so that you can get on to the platform
d) is done when the vehicle in front is not small enough to drive over

When should you flash your headlights?
a) if you da man!
b) when you are honking
c) if you are a taxi driver
d) all the fu*king time

When should you dip your headlights?
a) f*ck off!

When are u allowed to drive over people sleeping on the side of the road?
a) If you were watching an intense scene on the in-car entertainment while driving
b) If you want a real life experience of GTA
c) If you are Salman Khan
d) If you are meditating while driving

When a cyclist turns his head to look behind, most likely :
a) he's going to die
b) going to scratch his butt
c) he's going to die
d) he's going to fart loudly

What is the gap a motorist should keep when passing pedestrians facing away from the traffic and are walking on roads without pavement or pedestrian footpath?
a) 1 micron
b) motorist should stick his leg out to kick any pedestrian thereby creating the distance
c) pedestrians are meant to be hit with side mirrors
d) close enough so they can hear you swear at them

When riding with pillion, the pillion rider should hold :  
a) the driver's helmet
b) a baby
c) two babies
d) driver's hair

What is a lane?
a) A geometric figure formed by a point moving along a fixed direction
b) Weak and ineffectual
c) Local Area NEtwork
d) One who doesn't eat garlic and onion

When you hear an ambulance siren, what should you do?
a) increase the volume of the audio in your car to drown the annoying siren
b) throw a brick at the siren to reduce noise pollution
c) get right behind the ambulance so that your path will get cleared
d) strategically get in front of the ambulance so your path will be clear

The World

Whatta Couple

Here's the video of the bride making her entrance..

Now here is the entrance made by the broom groom ..

This is where one wonders - are they trying to exemplify two ends of the spectrum when it comes to wedding dancing?

Usually when you look at the second video.. you can only barely mutter a "but why... ?"

("Unique" in definition for the groom is - as unique as a Naked mole rat)

RA.One Fact #13

In Andhra Pradesh, it was released with the title :

-humble me

RA.One Fact #71

A few people thought this man on the left was Akon.
The remaining still think this man on the left is Akon.

-humble me

Groom Bloom

I can honestly tell you from the bottom of my heart, that this video will make particles sitting in your intestine fly out through your nose..

I have absolutely no words to describe the expression in the groom's eyes (and the awesome smile to go with it) or the background music :)

- bumble bee

The truth behind RA.One - the video game.

Remember how the game play in the movie was described?
Key features:
- 3 levels
- 2 characters
- 1 bullet
If you thought that game description was a bucket of barf, wait till you get a load of the real deal.

RA.One for the PlayStation:
For those who thought that someone was merely cracking a joke about a game called RA.One on the PlayStation.. wake up and smell the curd-noodles.

The true intention of making this game is clear and simple.
This is an Indian game. What do Indian families want?
They want to make sure that their kids DON'T play video games and just go back to their studies.

This game can bring that magic in to the Indian households. Just simply make sure this is the first game your kid plays and presto! This will be the last one your kid will ever touch.

The bigger plan for this game is to eradicate the very gaming industry from the face of the planet.
How you ask? By Simply sending copies of this game back in time to the early 90s with a note saying : "Best Regards from 2011".
The ones who receive this back in the day would loose faith in the gaming industry by just looking at the cover. The ones that choose to play the game will loose their virginity.

Of course the whole sending back in time thing didn't work out too well because this movie's science doesn't apply to the real world.

Though in the end the game was just marketed as a regular PlayStation game, we should not forget what the game cover initially looked like.

Words that aren't

This is a fun game.

Bellow are a few words/phrases that you think you heard when you were talking to people in English. 
Now, you have to guess what the actual word was:
(Answers are below, but hey.. give it an honest try)

The word/phrase as you heard it:

(clue: SOO-GAR and Spice)
(clue: What is the POUR-POUJ of this file)
3) SHITTIES(T) (you'll be sure you heard the 'T' in the end)
(clue: TCS, Infosys and SHITTIES are big companies)
(clue: Operating systems like IOS and ANNA-ROD)
(clue: Fill in the BLINKS)
(clue: Shirt and FANT)
(clue: Non-Veg and BHEZZ food)
(clue: Are you SEWER about this?)
9) IS-WHO 
(clue: IS-WHO a cheque)
(clue: which IS-COOL is your son studying in?)
(clue: answer the following CUSHIONS)
(clue: RISQUE the hostages) 
13) SAFE
(clue: i like this program - master SAFE Australia)
(clue: SILLY cheese toast)
(clue: She has sharp FUTURES on her face)
16) MAX
(clue: science and MAX exams)
17) RAPE
(clue: RAPE me in your arms   a shawl can be RAPED around) 
(clue: Math EGG-JAM)
(clue: you want some PRIES with that?)

And the answers (if you still need them):

1) Sugar
2) Purpose
3) CTS - short for Cognizant Technology Solutions (CTS should check every propective candidate if he or she gets the company name right first, else it might be bad advertisement)
4) Android
5) Blank
6) Pant
7) Veg (Its like some one threw a grenade in the mouth.. and just as 'Veg' was going to be said .. the grenade went off)
8) Sure
9) Issue
10) School
11) Question
12) Rescue
13) Chef 
14) Chilly 
15) Features 
16) Maths 
17) Wrap 
18) Exam 
19) Fries


There are many kinds of employees. Smart workers, hard workers, non-workers, etc. In every job you will always find a mix of all kinds of workers. 
Although, there is one job... one job alone, where you will always find the employees always doing more than what they are expected to do.
The Indian Mommygration Officers.

Every time you need to leave or return back to India, you will have to go past them.
They are the people assigned (or so they feel) to make you feel like you are an early teenage girl... talking to your dad... when you're leaving or returning home late!

But let's look at the fun activity you have to do, before you get to meet a Mommygration Officer.

First of all, you are made to fill a ridiculous form every time you have to exit or return back to the India.
This form is along the lines of the punishment you get in school - write the same lines over and over and over again, till you feel sorry... Indian kids call this imposition. You can be the citizen of the country or even the father, you may not be Jean Claude Van Damme... but you still must fill the form over and over and over again (ref: Pablo Francisco).

The age of this form is roughly close to the age of our solar system.
The earlier version of the form used to look something like this.

The above form was filled when you needed to go to places greater than 50 meters from your house.
As the years passed, civilization happened. But in general, there was an urge to make sure people remembered how to write their names inside boxes. It was found that travellers were also happy.. so to handle those issues, the form stayed. 

Today (for the past 50 years), the form has a new look and feel.
Take the section below for instance:

This tests your skills as a magician. You have 11 letters to answer the question with. Choose the letters wisely.
Try and refer to Harry Potter for spells that can come in handy.
Try to be loyal and visit only one country other than India.
Don't go to countries with long names like Czechoslovakia or Dominican Republic; but if you must, then please teleport to India.
If you've been on a Europe trip, ask the stewardess to hit you with that flying broom and throw you out of the flight... without the broom. 
In short, you can take the form... roll it up... sit on it... and spin.

Another interesting section is this :

This shows that the root of the country is farming. And regardless of the time that has passed and the industrial revolution in general; they still want to know, 'in writing' from every traveller, when he will start farming.

Once you have filled up the form, you then get the honor to meet the mommygration officer.
Now here's the deal. The officer will actually check if you copied information from your passport on to the form; AND check it against your details on his computer, based on your passport. You will then get asked all kinds of questions:
(if you are leaving India)
 - Where are you going?
 - Why are you going?
 - How long are you going to stay?
 - How are you going?
(of if you're getting back)
 - Where were you?
 - Why were you there?
 - Why are you here?
 - How long are you here?

Note that the answers to all the questions, are those, you took precious moments out of your life to fill in to the form
The country you are visiting asks you fewer questions to issue you a visa BUT... that doesn't matter! The officer must do more work than required because he is the guardian of the gates, the keeper of the key, the chosen one, carrier of the ring, the owner of the elder wand, the wh*re!

Some of them are hardcore workers. They will venture in to your personal life. 
 - Who do you stay with? Do you love her?
 - What is your salary?
 - Which school you went to?
 - How many marks you got in your 9th standard Math exam?
 - How many times a week do you have sex? same person?
 - Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
 - Why are you frothing in your mouth?
 - Why are you on the floor convulsing? Why do you need a metal object?

Your small intestine will itch to step out and choke the bastard.

Tips to avoid being jailed (with extreme satisfaction):
Tips for being able to travel are:
 - do not say "Read the form B*tch!" or "Not your f*cking business!" 
 - do not compare his/her eyesight to his/her dead grandmother's
 - do not bitch-slap the officer; capture a video; slow it down and put it up on youtube
 - do not kick the officer in the nuts (even if available)
 - do not gyrate, do the moonwalk, scream "oow" and say "F*ck you!"

 - do not point out the resemblence of his/her mother to a sl*t
 - do not shove the form down the officer's throat
 - try to gnaw on your arm to keep yourself from doing any of the above

- humble me

Hardcore Non-Vegetarian

The case with many Indian "hardcore" non-vegetarian.

It's baffling as to why non-vegetarians in India feel so proud to announce that they are in fact, non-vegetarians. Not like you have a daily orgy with 10 playboy bunnies now, is it? 
You like meat, eat it.

Take a regular video gamer for instance. Walk up to the dork and ask him:
"Dude, do you play video games?"
He'll say... "Yeah, I do.. I have an XBox, and you?".

Now walk up to the non-vegetarian, ask him:
"Dude, are you a non-vegetarian or ..?"
He'll say .. "No way.. I'm a hardcore  non-vegetarian man!!"

This is what you can expect from the typical hardcore non-vegetarian.

Then shut the f*ck up!

You there, the guy with the IPhone 4S, claiming to be a hardcore gamer.
You're a similar bitch in a different package.

- humble me
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