How To Become A Godman In 10 Easy Steps

Step 1 

Grow a beard .. make it long.
(alternate : grow the hair on the head)

Do NOT : grow your pubes! That is not very Godmanly!

Step 2 

Bleach the beard white

Step 3 

Wear a robe. Yes .. throw away those jeans and tees, you're a Godman now.

Step 4

Now pick up English. Remember it's not 1938. God would know English, so should you.

Step 5

Make sure your vocabulary includes sentences that only have to do with the bizarre and the abstract. Basically stuff that would shut Morpheus up.

  • eg: The plain stay mainly after the rain.
  • eg: We are all children of the corn.
  • eg: The children play mainly in the rain, on the pain.
  • eg: He is always watching. This is an important step.
  • eg: I know because I must know, that's my purpose.

Once you have mastered this, every line you know can be a question or an answer.
It can be an answer to the question or the question to the answer.

for example :

Q. Baba, how to I fix my life?
A. Stay plain, and wait mainly for the rain.

Q. I don't understand this Baba.
A. Does the rain always bring plain to the pain?

Q. I don't understand that either Baba.
A. Neither do the children of the corn, my child.

Q. Baba, that's what they say? B to the A to the B to the A?
A. He to the main to the watch to the plain, my child.

Anyways, moving on. Pick up as many lines as possible and mix and match them.. Get your creative juices flowing on this one.

Step 6

Now, you need to learn a few magic tricks. Nothing major, no Criss Angel stuff, just the basic ones:

  • make an apple appear
  • make a coin disappear
  • basic card tricks

Step 7

Look up some basic chemistry. Know which chemicals mix together to create fire, ice, water etc. Basic exothermic and endothermic reactions.

Step 8

Get a good name. Make it slightly long.


  • Fixananda Baba
  • NaviWanker Swami
  • Gilmajakgilmananda Prabhu


  • John
  • Ramesh
  • Sir TricksALot

Step 9

No business will kick off if you don't have a capital. You need to invest on some good disciples.
Pay them well so they don't get poached by other Godmen in the business. Teach them some tricks too. Don't leave them out of it. 
Get a few to moonwalk, get a few to get a stroke at the drop of a hat, get a few to have cancer and be cured of it at will.

Step 10

Work on your expression. Pay attention to Kristen Stewart or Ajay Devgn.
Watch how they can maintain the same expression whether they are serious, joking, being tickled or being stabbed. 
Godmen can laugh, but make sure you don't do it like Jim Carrey
Not more than 3 HA's in a row. Smile like Kristen during the HA's.

You are now all set!

Just find a nicely populated village, find a tree that is apt for a Godman to be under. Place disciples around you, and let the show begin!!

Work your way up from villages, to towns, to cities and then finally International! You can eventually do something or say something outrageous to get yourself on the news and voil√†, publicity! 

You da (God)Man!


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